Jokes

Two Goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"...

Q. How do you turn a -Duck,  into a Soul singer?
A. You hold his face in boiling water until it's...Bill Withers!
...

Joy is a character in two of my books in the Suddenly Free series. She roasts her husband at a birthday party:

“George has been adventure to live with. I didn’t know it was going to happen, but George has been like appliances and other handy items that many wives possess, but they aren’t better than my George. For example:

“George is like a mascara—he makes me look good, but runs when I cry.” She looked down at him. He smiled back.

“George is like a copier—he’s been great at reproduction”. His adult children pushed and whacked each other. Someone hooted. George just applauded toward Joy, and raised his eyebrows.

“George is like a place mat. He shows up promptly when there's food on the table.

“George is like a pair of stiletto high heels—they look great on me,” Joy looked at him and winked, “and are very handy in an emergency.

“George is also like a curling iron—always hot and always in my hair.” She looked at Rev. Dunwoody, and said apologetically, with a shrug. “We’re married.”

“George is like coffee—the best ones are rich, warm, strong, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night. And he IS the best!”

...

Peter was walking near the gates of hell one morning. Lucifer noticed him and asked, "What the hell are you doing here?"...

If a parsley farmer is sued - can they garnish his wages?...

Der is a new police law called 1 plus 1 devided by square root nd ds law states dat if a boy is caught up by policeman walkin on street wif morethan 1 chick goes directly to prison nd dat smbdy maet face seriouz charges whch may smtyms results in lyf sentencing of abt 2 months....do u agree wif ds law?...

Teacher saw 1 student in class nt doing his wrk then student told teacher that the pen does nt write yet he doesn't knw what to write...

Lol.after Reading this I Didn't know weather to cry or to Laugh :'-( or ;'-D :Enjoy it.

A sick woman was lying on her sick bed with
her husband by
her side, she turns to the husband and said

WIFE : Honey, I have a confession to make...

HUSBAND : Save your strength my dear!

WIFE : [Cuts in] Nooo, I want to say it so that
when I die
my spirit will be at rest. I have been stealing
your
money and giving it to my boyfriend, You're
not the father of
our son
Junior, I was the one who stole your gold
wrist watch and hid it
in your sister's bag so that you'll drive her
away.. Please forgive
me

HUSBAND : I know all this, that's why I
poisoned you. Keep
calm Let the poison work :'-( or ;'-D

...

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his
way he asked Mosso:

“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology,
Geography, physiology?

Mosso said no to all his questions.

Professor: What the hell do you know on
earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking.

Mosso: asked the Professor, do you know
swiminology & escapology from
sharkology?

The professor said no.

Mosso : “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy
will
eat your assology, headology & you will
dieology because of your mouthology.

...

Husband says:when i'm gone you'll never find another man like me..
Wife replied:what makes u thnk I'd want another man like u.....
Book Of The Day
Publishers

Latest Poem

He rode an old McClellan that had seen better days

But he sat up there like a king who controlled all he surveyed

His mount a buckskin mare as pretty as you’ve seen

With legs meant for working and eyes bright and clean

Behind him trailed a mule, a fine example of the breed

A pack piled high with goods but no halter or a lead

 

I asked him where he’s headed and where he might have been

The reason for his travel and what he might have seen

“I’ve seen the greatest country that God ever made

Sometimes mountain vistas, sometimes a grassy plain.

I’ve seen family members who make me feel ashamed

And many fellow workers who lie their way to fame

 

I’ve seen herds of caribou clicking cross the plain

Massive Mountain Grizzlies, great horses wild and tame.

I’ve seen massive progress ended by greedy fools

Or by those who need control and impose silly rules

And others stopping growth by thinking with their heart

When simple logic tells ‘em the horse is behind the cart.

 

We all get our little chance but others need a turn

The younger need some room to grow to build to learn

When I’ve done my time, my life here is thru

I don’t want my final vision to be only gloom and fools.

I’ll be free of all that as will the mule and mare

We’ve trod the greatest land, together scenery shared

 

It all makes my former life shallow and pale

And now where I travel nothing is ever stale

I’ve had my days of wealth measured in dollars and cents

With days, weeks and years surrounded by wall and fence

But now I have much more, a far greater treasure

Surrounded by natures wonders, beauty that can’t be measured

 

 

Any measure of success may not be right for all

The test that has some rise up will make others fall

I hope the path I travel and the message that I preach

Will be heard and understood by people that I meet

No one has the right to say that my view is wrong

Nor do I have the right to condemn another’s song

 

But enjoy the journey and help your fellow man

Have a laugh and learn, and make a proper stand

For something you believe, give it a proper fight

And if you should lose and you know you might

Within your heart you’ll know you did your very best

And did what you thought right when put to the test.

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