"The Demons of War are Persistent”

 A Personal Story of Prolonged PTSD

 —A.W. Schade, USMC 1965/69 

Fifty years have passed since my deployment as a combat Marine to Vietnam. However, only several years since I acknowledged my inability to continue suppressing the demons alone. Like many veterans, the “Demons” have haunted me through nightmares, altered personas, and hidden fears. 

Even as many veterans manage the demons’ onslaught successfully, millions survive in destitution, needless solitude, and social disconnection. Scores consider themselves cowards, should they concede to the demons’ hold. Countless live in denial and loneliness, protecting their warrior’s pride. The most vulnerable— tormented by guilt and feeling forever alone — too often choose to “end” their lives.

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As friends and family gather to celebrate another joyful holiday, I am often disheartened, reminded by vivid memories of lost friendships and battlefield carnage that erratically seeps from a vulnerable partition of my mind. The cerebral hiding place I concocted, decades before, as a mechanism to survive in society. I unwittingly clutch at profound loneliness as I avoid searching for memories of my youthful years. If I dare to gaze into my past, I must transcend a cloak of darkness weaved to restrain the demons from so many years before.

My pledge to God, Country, and the Marine Corps were more than forty years ago. As a young, unproven warrior, I consented to the ancient rules of war. At eighteen, like many others, I was immersed in the ageless stench of death and carnage, in the mountains and jungles of Vietnam. However, my journey began much earlier, on a sixty-mile bus ride with other nervous teenagers, to New York City’s legendary Induction Center at 39 White Hall Street.

We went through lines of examinations and stood around for hours, recognizing one another’s bare asses before we could learn each other’s names. We did not realize so many of us would remain together in squads and fire teams, building deep-seated bonds of friendships along our journey. Our initial ‘shock’ indoctrination began immediately at Parris Island; intimidating Drill Instructors scrambled our disoriented butts off the bus, organized us into a semblance of a formation, and herded us to the barracks for a night of hell!

Anxiety, second-guessing our decision to join, and apprehension was our welcoming. Following what we thought would be sleep (but was actually a nap), we awoke in awe to explosive clamor, as the DIs banged on tin garbage can lids next to our bunks, yelling ‘get up you maggots.’ Even the largest recruits trembled.

We remained maggots for the next few weeks and began intense physical and mental training, slowly recognizing the importance of “the team” instead of “the individual.” In less than sixteen weeks we were proud United States Marines. It was a short celebration though, as we loaded our gear and headed, in order, to Camp Lejeune, Camp Pendleton, Okinawa and then the Philippines, where we continued to enhance our stealth and killing skills, before executing these talents on the already blood-soaked fields of Vietnam.

We argued and fought amongst ourselves as brothers often do. Still, we never lost sight of the bonds we shared: We were United States Marines with an indisputable commitment to “always cover each other’s back.” Crammed into the bowels of Navy Carrier Ships, we slept in hammocks with no more than three inches from your brother’s butt above you. The sailors laughed as these self-proclaimed “bad-ass Marines” transformed into the wimpy “Helmet Brigade.” We vomited into our skull buckets for days on our way to Okinawa, where we would engage in counter-guerrilla warfare training. 

Aware that we were going to Vietnam, we partied hard in every port. The first of our battles were slugfests in distant bar-room brawls.

Conversely, our minds were opened to the poverty and living conditions of these famous islands in the Pacific. Their reputations preceded them, but stories about war with Japan—John Wayne movies—were not what we found. Instead, we found overpopulated, dirty cities; we were barraged constantly by poor children seeking any morsel of food. In the fields, families lived in thatched huts with no electricity or sanitary conditions. 

While training I experienced the horror of being chased by a two-ton water buffalo (with only blanks in my rifle). Moments before, this same beast was led around by a ring through its nose by a ten-year-old boy. Worse than the chasing was hearing the laughter of brother Marines watching me run at full speed, trying to find something to climb. In a tree, I felt as though I was losing the “macho” in Marine, and we were still thousands of miles from Vietnam.

In confidence, we spoke as brothers about our fears, hardships growing-up, family, girlfriends, times of humiliation, prejudice, and what we planned to do in our lifetime once our tour of duty in Vietnam was over. We knew each other’s thoughts and spoke as though we would all return home alive, never considering the thought of death or defeat. We had not learned that lesson, yet. 

Moreover, we dreamed of going home as respected American warriors who defended democracy in a remote foreign land, standing proud, feeling a sense of accomplishment, and experiencing life, as none of our friends at home would understand. Our country had called and we answered.

We transferred to a converted WWII aircraft carrier that carried helicopters and Marines instead of jet planes. We were to traverse the coast of Vietnam and deploy by helicopter into combat zones from the Demilitarized Zone, the imaginary line separating North and South Vietnam, to the provinces and cities of Chu Lai and Da Nang. Then further south, to the outer fringes of Vietnam’s largest city, which was, at that time, Saigon.

Within sight of land, we heard the roar of artillery, mortars and the familiar crackling of a small-arms fire. These were sounds we were accustomed to because of months of preparing ourselves for battle. However, for the first time, we understood the sounds were not from playing war games. Someone was likely dead. Anxiety, adrenaline highs, and fear of the unknown swirled within my mind.

Was I prepared? Could I kill another man? Would another man kill me? From that point forward, death was part of my life. We would eventually load into helicopters, descending into confrontations ambivalent, yet assured we were young, invincible warriors. We were convinced the South Vietnamese people needed us; many of them did. Thus, our mission was simple: save the innocent and banish the enemy to Hell!

The first time we touched down on Vietnam soil, we mechanically spread out in combat formation. Immediately, everything I was taught to watch out for rushed through my mind: “Was the enemy around us?” “Was I standing near an enemy grenade trap, or stepping toward a punji pit filled with sharpened bamboo spikes?” Seeing our company walking through the low brush gave me comfort, until an unexpected explosion deafened our senses. We immediately hit the ground and went into combat mode, establishing our zones of fire. There was nothing to think about except engaging the enemy. We were ready for battle.

We waited, but heard no gunfire or rockets exploding, only a few Marines speaking several hundred feet away. One yelled, “I can’t F’N” believe it!” We learned our first meeting with death was due to one of our brother’s grenade pins not being secured; we assumed it was pulled out by the underbrush. Regardless, he was dead. Staring at his lifeless body, I felt the loss of youthful innocence gush away.

One engagement began with us being plunged into chaos from helicopters hovering a few feet off the ground. We anxiously leapt—some fell—into the midst of an already heated battle. The enemy sprung a deadly assault upon us. I became engrossed in the shock, fear, and adrenaline rush of battle. It was surreal! It was also not the time to ponder the killing of another human being, recall the rationale behind the ethics of war, or become absorbed in the horror of men slaughtering each other. Thoughts of war’s demons certainly were not on my mind.

When the killing ceased and the enemy withdrew, I remained motionless, exhausted from the fighting. With only a moment to think about what had just occurred, the shock, hate, and anger were buried under the gratitude of being alive. I had to find out which brothers did or did not survive, and as I turned to view the combat zone, I witnessed the reality of war: dreams, friendships, and future plans vanished. We knelt beside our brothers, some dead, many wounded, and others screaming in pain. A few lay there dying silently. 

As I moved about the carnage, I noticed a lifeless body, face down, and twisted abnormally in jungle debris. I pulled him gently from the tangled lair, unaware of the warrior I had found. Masked in blood and shattered bones, I was overwhelmed with disgust and a primal obsession for revenge as I realized the warrior was my mentor, hero, and friend.

My voice fragmented, I spoke at him as if he were alive: “Gunny, you can’t be dead! Son-of-a-bitch, you fought in WWII and Korea, how can you die in this God for-shaken country! Get up Marine!” Tears seeped down my face; I whispered that he would not be forgotten. I placed him gently in a body bag, slowly pulling the zipper closed over his face, engulfing him in darkness.

Navy Corpsmen—our extraordinary brothers—worked frantically to salvage traumatized bodies. We did our best to ease the pain of the wounded as they prayed to God Almighty. “With all my heart I love you, man,” I told each friend I encountered. However, some never heard the words I said, unless they were listening from Heaven. I was unaware of the survivor’s guilt brewing deep inside me.

In two or three weeks our mission was completed; we flew by helicopter from the jungle to the safety of the ship. None of us rested. Instead, we remembered faces and stared at the empty bunks of the friends who were not there. I prayed for the sun to rise slowly, in order to delay the forthcoming ceremony for the dead.

Early the next morning, we stood in a military formation on the aircraft carrier’s deck. I temporarily suppressed my emotions as I stared upon the dead. Rows of military caskets, identical in design, with an American flag meticulously draped over the top, made it impossible to distinguish which crates encased my closest friends. As taps played, tears descended. For the first time I understood, that in war, you never have a chance to say goodbye. I pledged silently to each of my friends that they would never be forgotten: A solemn promise I regretfully only kept through years of nightmares or hallucinations.

Combat is vicious; rest is brief; destroying the enemy was our mission. We fought our skillful foes in many battles, until they or we were dead, wounded, or overwhelmed. Engaging enemy troops was horrific in both jungles and villages. We had to either accept or build psychological boundaries around the terror.

Nonexistent were the lines of demarcation; we constantly struggled to identify which Vietnamese was a friend and which was a foe. The tormenting acknowledgment that a woman or child might be an enemy combatant had to be confronted; it was often an overwhelming decision to make. I was not aware of the change in my demeanor. In time, I merely assumed I had adjusted emotionally to contend with the atrocities and finality of war. I acquired stamina, could endure the stench of death, eliminate enemy combatants with little or no remorse, suppress memories of fallen companions, and avoid forming new, deep-rooted friendships. I struggled to accept the feasibility of a loving Lord. I never detected the nameless demons embedding themselves inside of me.

At the end of my tour, I packed minimal gear and left the jungle battlefields of Vietnam for America, never turning to bid farewell or ever wanting to smell the pungent stench of death and fear again. Within seventy-two hours, I was on the street I left fourteen months prior, a street untouched by war, poverty, genocide, hunger, or fear. 

I was home. I was alone. Aged well beyond my chronological years of nineteen, I was psychologically and emotionally confused. I was expected to transform from a slayer back into a (so-called) civilized man.

Except for family members and several high-school friends, returning home from Vietnam was demeaning for most of us. There were no bands or cheers of appreciation or feelings of accomplishment. Instead, we were shunned and ridiculed for fighting in a war that our government assured us was crucial and for an honorable cause. I soon found that family, friends, and co-workers could never truly understand the events that transformed me in those fourteen months.

I changed from a teenage boy to a battle-hardened man. I was not able to engage in trivial conversations or take part in the adolescent games many of my friends still played. For them, life did not change and “struggle” was a job or the “unbearable” pressure of college they had to endure. It did not take me long to realize that they would never understand; there is no comparison between homework and carrying a dead companion in a black zipped bag.

The media played their biased games by criticizing the military, never illuminating the thousands of Vietnamese saved from mass execution, rape, torture, or other atrocities of a brutal northern regime. They never showed the stories of American “heroes” who gave their lives, bodies, and minds to save innocent people caught in the clutches of a “controversial” war. For years, my transition back to society was uncertain. I struggled against unknown demons and perplexing social fears. I abandoned searching for surviving comrades or ever engaging in conversations of Vietnam.

Worse, I fought alone to manage the recurring nightmares, which I tried to block away in a chamber of my mind labeled; “Do not open, horrors, chaos and lost friends from Vietnam.” However, suppressing dark memories is almost impossible. Random sounds, smells, or even words unleash nightmares, depression, anxiety and the seepages of bitterness I alluded to before. I still fight to keep these emotions locked away inside me. 

Today, my youth has long since passed and middle age is drifting progressively behind me. Still, unwelcome metaphors and echoes of lost souls seep through the decomposing barriers fabricated in my mind. Vivid memories of old friends, death, guilt, and anger sporadically persevere. There may be no end, resolution, or limitations to the demons’ voices. They began as whispers and intensified—over decades—in my mind.

“Help me, buddy!” I still hear them scream, as nightmares jolt me from my slumber. I wake and shout, “I’m here! I’m here my friend,” and envision their ghostly, blood-soaked bodies. I often wonder if more Marines would be alive if I had fought more fiercely. “I had to kill!” I remind myself; as visions of shattered friends, and foes hauntingly reappear at inappropriate times.

Guilt consumes my consciousness as I recall the mayhem of war, and what we had to do to survive. As well I question: Why did I survive and not them? Most horrible, however, is the conflicting torment I feel when I acknowledge that I am thankful it was others instead of me.

Regardless of which war a person fought, I am sure many of their memories are similar to mine, as many of mine are to theirs. I never recognized the persistence of the demons, nor realized how quickly they matured deep within my soul. Disguised and deep-rooted, the demons cause anxiety, loneliness, depression, alcohol abuse, nightmares, and suicidal thoughts; traits that haunt many warriors for a lifetime. For thirty-five years, I would not admit these demons were inside me, and believed seeking medical assistance for what was going on in my mind, was a weakness in a man.

It was not until the first Gulf War began in 1990, that I sensed the demons were again bursting from within. No matter how hard I tried to avoid them, I could not escape the vivid images and news coverage of every aspect of the war. Eventually, the bodies and faces in the media were not strangers anymore; they were the faces of my brothers from a much older and forgotten war. Encouraged by peers and several family members, I finally sought assistance from VA doctors, who immediately diagnosed me with PTSD and began an ongoing treatment program.

During my third or fourth group therapy session at the VA, the psychiatrist leading the meeting persuaded me to speak about myself, starting with my overall thoughts of my tour in Vietnam, but then focusing on what I accomplished instead of what I lost. After a long hesitation, I told them the greatest accomplishment in Vietnam was the hundreds of people our teams personally saved from rape, torture, or savage death.

We did not give a damn about the politicians and college students arguing back home, or running off to Canada to avoid the draft. We were enlisted Marines, on the front lines, protecting innocent people caught up in a horrific war.

My most positive moment, I continued, was when I lifted a three-year-old girl from the rubble that separated her from her parents, who were slaughtered by the Viet Cong for giving us rice the day before. Though traumatized and trembling in fear, she reached up to me, and I cradled her gently in my arms and made her smile for only a moment. I handed her to one of our extraordinary corpsmen and continued to seek out the enemy who committed these atrocious murders. It was then I understood why I was in Vietnam.

However, as with everything I masked in my subconscious, I obscured that moment of compassion for decades until this small therapy group encouraged me to glance back and look for positive events buried within the worst of my war memories.

Regarding my post-war years, the doctor asked me to focus on my career, an area where he knew I had some success. I explained that when I left the Marines after four years, I was youthful and confident in myself. I had no clue what depression and anxiety were, and I thought the nightmares were personal and temporary. I was determined to look forward and in no way back to the war. Unfortunately, today I realize that while constantly looking forward helped me avoid chaotic memories of war, it also cloaked the memories of my formative younger years and positive events throughout my life.

I never relished talking about myself and thought it would be a good time to stop. However, the group asked me to continue. As peers, they knew I needed to feel a purpose, and not think my life was a second-rate existence. I was reluctant; as I looked around the room and knew many of the Vets succumbed to PTSD early in life and did not fare as well as I did. I felt I was about to sound like a wimp, or worse, a self-centered ass.

Awkwardly, I began to tell them - with many gaps - about my career after Vietnam. My first recollection was one they all understood. I went through eleven or twelve jobs feeling totally out of place. Watching sales managers gather their teams, and with fanatical enthusiasm tell us how great we were, and together we would attain the highest sales revenue, whipping all other regions. To me, compared to combat in the jungles of Vietnam, this was a game. 

Feeling extremely frustrated within the environment of civilian life, I was ready to head back to the military. However, before reenlistment happened, I got married to my current wife of 40 plus years, who will be the first to tell you living with a type-A personality with PTSD is often a living hell, especially since she had no idea what I was battling. But, neither did I. Like millions of warriors before me, I never spoke to anyone about the war, or the nightmares that abruptly woke me, soaked in sweat and tears.

I decided not to reenlist and pursued a career in business. After numerous jobs, I finally landed a position with a bank repossessing cars - a small-scale adrenalin rush, at times. Within five years, I worked my way up to branch manager.

Bored, of my repetitive tasks in banking, I accepted an offer from a very large computer company to join as a collection administrator. Though it seemed as if it was starting over, I was promoted into management within a year. Focusing on new business challenges aided me in keeping the demons at bay. Subsequent promotions followed.

Within roughly eight years, I was selected to attend Syracuse University to attain a degree in Management - paid by the company at full salary. I continued to accept challenging positions in finance, marketing, business development, sales, and world travel. 

At first, traveling to other countries was great, but after the second or third twenty-one-hour flight to Bangkok or Singapore, it got old quick. I began to realize boredom and repetition were major catalysts for my emotional setbacks; having too much time to think was a recipe for falling hard into the bowels of PTSD.

As years passed, anger, frustrations, mood swings, and depression were common events affecting me, my family and career. I stopped moving forward and spent more time battling the memories of the past. It was at that time I understood the demons never leave; they simply wait for a sliver of weakness to overwhelm you.

Consequently, these conditions, as well as heightened road-rage, quick to anger, and sometimes not able to carry on an articulate conversation, I unenthusiastically retired early from my very well-paying job. This, of course, decreased my income significantly, and opened new crevices in my rapidly deteriorating armor. The demons seized a stronghold; they are persistent.

I have still not won the battle against the demons, but, with the help of therapy, outside physical activities, medications and writing; I look ahead again. The demons continue to haunt me with nightmares, depression, memory loss, anxiety and the need for solitude.

Although I am not able to sit down with a vet and talk about war, I have taken on a cause through writing stories, to reach out to young and senior veterans to help break the stigma of PTSD, by seeking reinforcement. It took me, with present-day support from younger vets at the Journal of Military Experience [http://militaryexperience.org], over the course of six years to finalize this story. I mention this so others can move forward in his or her life; by knowing what I and others know now.

I wish someone cited the following recommendations to me earlier in my life; although being young and macho I probably would not have listened. However, here are a few suggestions from one old warrior, to those of all ages:

Breakthrough the stigma of PTSD and get medical assistance - PTSD is real!

Unless you are in a high-risk job, you will probably not experience the adrenaline rush and finality of your decisions as you did in combat. For me, I lived by playing business games - never finding the ultimate adrenaline rush again. It is a void within me, I think about often.

The longer you wait for treatment, the harder it will be to handle the demons. They do not go away and can lay dormant in your soul for decades.

Understand that it is never too late in your life to begin looking forward and achieving new objectives.

If you do not want to speak about PTSD with your family or friends, then hand them a brochure from the VA that explains what to look for, and why you need their support. You do not have to go into detail about the tragedies of war, but without your loved ones’ understanding of your internal battle, your thoughts can lead to divorce, loss of family, relationships, or suicide – a terrible waste of a hero. Silence and solitude is not the answer! If you have PTSD you may not be able to beat it alone.

If you are concerned about your military or civilian job, seek help from peer resources. They have experienced what you have been through and will help keep you living in the present, instead of the past.

Or contact a person in a peer support group anonymously. They will not know you but will talk for as long as you wish.

You cannot explain the horrors of war to someone that has not experienced it, except maybe a PTSD psychologist.

Get up off your ass and take a serious look into yourself! Accept the fact that if you have continuous nightmares, flashbacks, depression, bursts of anger, anxiety, or thoughts of suicide, you have PTSD. If so, talk to someone who can help.

There is also financial assistance through the VA, which may help you avoid living a life of destitution.

Finally, let your ego and macho image go. There are many individuals and groups today wanting to help you. If you do not seek help, you may find yourself alone and bitter for a lifetime. The demons are not going away, but with help, you can learn to fight them and win one battle at a time. Please contact the resources below!

Semper Fi!

[AW Schade; a Marine, Vietnam 1966/67, retired corporate executive and author of the award-winning book, Looking for God within the Kingdom of Religious Confusion. A captivating, comparative, and enlightening tale that seeks to comprehend the doctrines and discord between and within Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Secularism. What the seeker discovers, transforms his life forever!  www.awschade.com]

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"I could hear Elvis singing as tears fell on the last page of the book. One of the best short stories I've ever read." -- Amazon reviewer

Archie Johnson thought he was prepared to meet his death in the electric chair. 
The sentence had been read; he had had his last meal and the prison chaplain had asked God to have mercy on his immortal soul. Then, just as they were strapping him in, he suddenly realized there were a few things he wanted to do before he left this earth.
This story has been called a "dead man's dream."

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A story by Domenic Marinelli

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It was 1989; I was seven. My parents and I had left the comforts of New York for a trip back to my father’s birthplace of Parella, Italy. It was a small town of about two hundred people.

What I remember most about the trip was the freedom I had. I could wander the town walking from one end to another all alone, exploring and going on private adventures.

It was on one particular day that my walk took me to a less populated area where the alleys were narrow and the buildings seemed all but abandoned. I walked slowly, trying to take it all in, when suddenly I could see a small open fire in the distance. It was at the mouth of a small alley. The fire drew me closer, and the air smelled oddly of a scent I associated with Christmas Eve. It wasn’t until I was standing a few feet away from the fire that I noticed the small pan of chestnuts sitting above the bright orange flames.

A noise startled me from deep within the darkness of the alley. An old man was standing there, staring at me through grey eyes that were both menacing and kind. We stared at each other that way for the longest time, until he motioned me forward.

***

It was dusk, and my father saw me returning from the distance; I could see him waving me home from the front door of the house he’d grown up in. “How was today’s adventure, Ademo?” he asked me when I got closer.

“Fine, Dad,” I said as I squeezed by him.

He tousled my hair before I was out of his reach and into the hall bathroom.

I stared into the mirror, as I do now all these years later, wondering about the hidden corners of the world and the human spirit, where darkness covers all, and the soul suffers most.

 

(Copyright 2017 - Domenic Marinelli)

Domenic Marinelli is the author of Weathered Tracks, Save … Act – A Collection of Ten Stories, Miles In The Dark, Beneath The White Darkness, 13 Years of Lamentation, Resonant Words (articles) and Strays In The Cold. He is also a freelance writer who has contributed various pieces to many publications including The Sportster, The Gamer and Steel Notes Magazine.

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Doesn’t look like Phoenix with all the cloud cover. It looks more like Atlanta this time of year. Must be climate change.

The weather in Phoenix was not what he expected on a spring day. The overcast was a blanket of gloom obscuring the blue skies and sunshine above the cloud layer. And sure, it was early morning, but it was also uncharacteristically cool in the valley. The permanent residents felt teased by the extended relief from the burning heat in their throats and lungs, and the melanoma attacks on their skin that was to come. They welcomed the relief of the cool weather. The late-arriving snowbirds had a different take on the weather in Phoenix. They longed to bask in the heat so they could thaw from the winter weather at home. They were disappointed. The temperature was cold enough to prevent them from belly flopping into the hotel pools. The forecast said the overcast would be rolling out of the valley by late afternoon, and by the next day, the thermometer would see a slight rise in the mercury.

He took the first flight out of Atlanta, 6:00 a.m. He thought because of the early a departure it would be quiet on the plane and he could catch a badly needed power nap during the four-hour flight, but he was wrong. He hated to be wrong about anything. It was a family trait. The other passengers, he guessed, had stopped at Starbucks to get jacked on the caffeine. And it seemed to him every rambunctious child on the plane, having had a pound of sugar for breakfast, found a seat around him on the full plane. The parents of the unleashed, ill-behaved cherubs wanted to get to grandma’s house early for Mother’s Day. Upon their arrival, the grandparents would hover over the kids while mom and dad tried to find a place to decompress.

Why did God have to put children on the earth? Couldn’t He, or She, or whatever found a better way––like instant twenty- one? It’s too early for the little demons to be awake. There should be a law against kids being on airplanes to punish me so early in the morning. I wouldn’t think of dragging Kyle along this early. Breathe in, hold, and breathe out, only three and a half hours to go.

He made every attempt to close his eyes and rest his head against the seatback hoping one of the parents of the wildlings, would take pity on him and show mercy. They didn’t, believing everyone loved children, theirs above all. He finally reached into his carry-on that was jammed under the seat in front of him, a gymnastic feat for sure, so he could retrieve his iPhone and earbuds to drown out the head-splitting sounds around him.

Only three hours and fifteen minutes to go.

The music flowing through the headphones worked fairly well for noise cancellation, but the kicking of the back of his seat was out of rhythm with the music. Finally, after three more hours on the plane, relief came when the captain made a public address announcement they would be descending, landing, and at the gate in twenty minutes.

As the aircraft came to a stop at the gate, the door of the Boeing 737-700 opened and he made every attempt to get past, around, or over the rest of the primates to make a break for it. He didn’t make any friends doing so. If one needed an example of what Cro-Magnon man was like, it only took watching a deplaning. While other passengers were fumbling with their carry-on bags in the overhead storage, he grabbed his and managed to get the best on several of them until he burst through the door and into the Jetway Bridge. He got angry glares from mommas trying to open their Winnebago strollers in front of the plane’s exit door.

Finally, in the terminal, he only had to get into the passing lane around slow walking travelers. He hastened his pace as if he were late to an impatient judge’s courtroom. He walked down the downward escalator, turned left, and walked out through the doors of Terminal Four at Sky Harbor Airport to where cars waited for arriving passengers. He stopped to breathe in the fresh morning air but got exhaust and jet fuel instead. He reached the curb and scanned left and right.

A black, late model Mercedes, after a quick beep of the horn, pulled up to him standing on the curb. The driver parked and exited the car. She walked back toward the raised trunk. She met him there and watched as he tossed his carry on into the trunk. He was taller than her and a handsome man. She was a beautiful woman. He closed the trunk then opened his arms to embrace her. She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

He gave his sister a long hug. He knew she needed one. It had been a year since their last embrace. It was Mother’s Day and they were at mom’s funeral. Both had tears in their eyes then, the kind once flowing wouldn’t stop for days.

FaceTime was the best way to stay in contact with one another since airfares weren’t as discounted as advertised. He didn’t want to leave home, the place where he grew up, but the paycheck decided for him. His Ivy League law degree was worth more in Atlanta than in Phoenix. And, Peter was there.

She couldn’t bring herself to pull up stakes and resettle in an unfamiliar place with her husband and two kids. Arizona had every conceivable scenery––mountains, deserts, rain and petrified forests, Kartchner Caverns, meth-colored lakes, and cliff- dwellings long vacated by the Native Americans for casinos on the reservations. To find all those climates and breathtaking views would require traveling around the earth. No, Phoenix would always be her home. She had deep roots there, extended family, and mom and dad. She decided to live in their house after both parents had passed. Unlike her brother, she hated change. They hurried for the warmth inside the car. Both car doors slammed shut simultaneously.

“I thought Peter and Kyle would come out with you,” she said.

“They were, then a capital murder case popped up late last night. You know how Peter gets when an inmate on Death Row stares at the clock as it ticks down to zero hours and the ‘three-drug cocktail’ is about to be delivered. Ten years of appeals from the man’s court-appointed attorneys failed to produce a re-trial or leniency. The guy’s guilty. Peter was called in because of his expertise and reputation of turning death penalty cases into life imprisonments. He sends his love by the way.”

“How’s Kyle? I was sure he’d come to see his aunt,” she said.

“Kyle is in non-stop motion from the time his eyes open in the morning until he crashes at bedtime. He’s so intuitive about things. He asks questions way beyond his age. He’s curious and analyzes everything in detail. He hates any change in his environment, like you. We adopted him and love him so much, but I swear he’s your kid. He’s doing great in kindergarten.

We had an interesting thing pop up a few days ago. After school, he asked me what a ‘Homo’ was? Some father, picking up his kid up, said to him, ‘There’s the little homo!’ The other parents say things about Peter and me, and he doesn’t understand. We need to prepare him for grade school, where the older kids will bully him. We’re trying to put that off as long as possible. He’ll be all right in the end. School doesn’t last forever, but the love in our family does.”

“I’d like to see those parents on my operating table sometime.”

She looked over her left shoulder to see if she could drive away from the curb while he spoke. The warning feature in her side mirror wasn’t flashing, but she hadn’t convinced herself to trust it yet. Sometimes trust took a long time to earn. When she saw there was no traffic, she launched out of the parking space and drove to the house. The kids wouldn’t be home from school for hours. Robert wouldn’t be home from the Tempe ASU campus until six as long as the traffic on I-10 weren’t backed up because of another accident. They had time to themselves, so brother and sister could do as they planned.

“Now I’m disappointed Kyle didn’t come.”

She crossed over five lanes to get into the far left lane. Her turn was next. She exited on 44th St. and it was a straight shot to the house in Scottsdale from there. Mom and dad had been in the house a long time. They bought the house in the fifties, before air- conditioning was common in Phoenix. They had it installed as soon as the first summer ended. It was a long, ranch-style house with a stunning garden and back patio area where the family would spend most evenings together, whenever mom wasn’t flying a trip for the airline.

“So the last time we spoke you said you were looking for a larger suite of offices for the firm.”

“We’ve definitely outgrown where we are. We’ll have to relocate before the end of the year if we get one more client. We already handle half of the criminal cases in Fulton County. How about you, Dr. Cochran? When will you leave the hospital and start your own practice? Get your doctor feet wet, or as mom would say, ‘Fly solo,’ I believe.”

“It scares me, taking that chance. The hospital is a steady paycheck. It’s hard to save these days with the economy the way it is, and the kids get more expensive every year,” she said.

“Mom wouldn’t let you get away with that conservative thinking. She wanted a rebel for a daughter, a risk-taker like her.”

“Yes, she did. Robert loves teaching at ASU. He loves the astrophysics department, the students, and the whole campus atmosphere. Robert would have gone to school the rest of his life if he could. He loves to learn and do research. His department is involved in research for NASA. We could move to Tempe so he wouldn’t have so far to commute, but the kids like their school. They’re involved with all sorts of things at school. Kelly is on the soccer team and, at her age, friends are important to her. Brian is on the baseball team. He and his friends spend the day playing video games after homework and baseball practice.”

“Mom would say you have to take chances. You can’t protect yourself from the future. I think you’re hiding behind your fear of change. Before long, it’ll be too late and all you would have collected will be dreams that stayed dreams, and not great stories to tell the grandkids like mom used to say,” he said.

She stopped for a red light and stared straight ahead. His head swung left and right to see the neighborhoods and strip malls. The light changed.

“Yeah, well, mom was bigger than life, and I could never compete with Jane Cochran no matter what I did. She trained other female pilots to fly military aircraft during World War II––her beloved WACs. After the war, she was the first woman to break the sound barrier. I don’t remember how many flying records she broke. I took all of those plaques down months ago. As a civilian, she broke down even more barriers. She opened the door to the airlines for women. Mom had logged more flight time going into the airlines than any man applying. I went to med school, and I always believed I broke her heart because I did,” she said.

“What’s wrong with your accomplishments in medicine? You’re a nationally recognized oncologist, Chairperson of the department. You broke quite a few barriers of your own, big sister. They don’t pale in mom’s shadow. Mom was mom. She started flying DC-3s, trained up to the Electra turbo-props and flew the first jet-powered Boeing. She flew everything between that and the A380. I don’t think she missed landing her airplane anywhere in the world. But you’ve saved lives in your career! They were so proud of you graduating a doctor of medicine, making discoveries, and becoming head of the department. They were proud when I graduated from law school, but they weren’t proud of my being a criminal attorney and keeping felons out of prison. I not only live in their shadow, I live in yours,” he said.

She looked at him with a disbelieving face. She couldn’t believe he felt that way.

“I think you followed into greatness by being daddy’s girl. He was always easier going, never trying to conquer some speed record. He cherished his little girl and what she had done with her life. You know he did, mom too. All that tinkering with him on cars taught you to tinker with biology and make discoveries. The only time I saw dad with disappointment in his eyes, was when I came out, but he never said a word about it. He just loved me no matter what,” he said.

She made a few turns on city streets that brought them to the house, which was impossible to see with the surrounding foliage and trees. He could see to the west the massive hospital where his sister worked. He had pushed her about her own practice but understood why she could never break away. He was more surprised he did. They sat in the car.

“Did it bother you that dad was disappointed?” she said

“Of course, how could I not be? But while other parents threw their sons out into the street, and never spoke to them again, I always had a home filled with love. I was lucky. And I was lucky, I guess, that I was more like mom. She taught me to protect myself, to never let anyone trash me for who I am. She taught me to stand on my own two feet and not let anyone get into my head because she used to say, ‘that’s where the battles are lost.’ Her strength and wisdom got me through law school and followed me throughout difficult times in life.”

She parked in the driveway and they got out of the car. The philosophical discussion ended. They wanted the keep the visit a happy reunion with the ones they loved.

...

...

Your completeness is right here in front of you within your grasp, but you’ll never truly be mindful of this until you realize it’s not a story that’s needed, it’s what’s already here.

Without inner silence, it’s very unlikely one will have the mindfulness needed to not create your stories. Even this writing is a story of how not to create stories, but the mindfulness of writing it helps to minimize the attachment to it and thus once it’s written it’s complete. Non attachment is always the key. A story can always be added to, but once something arises ask yourself, is this the end of the story or not? That will depend on how one relates their “I” identity to the story. The more “I” needs the story for its identity, the more “I” attaches to it and the more a story is needed. This is the merry-go-round of the Conditioned Mind. No attachment, no needed story, no needed story, no discontentment of what isn’t, so all you are left with is what is, not the story of it, but the actual reality of what is happening now.

Story after story after story. The story of how I feel, or the story of what I think, or my life’s story, there is an endless creation of stories, that is until one becomes mindful enough that the story teller and the story are seen as one in the same. Being with what is instead of a created story will be the most difficult thing one when ever do in their life, but it will also be the most fulfilling lesson you will ever learn. Just be in the silence of what is, attach nothing and nothing will be needed. Imagine that, needing nothing to be happy, joyous, and free and understanding that you’re complete just as you are. It’s right there within your grasp, it’s right in front of you, but you’ll never truly be mindful of this until you realize it’s not a story that’s needed, it’s what’s already here.

...

...

Lucky Break       5,258 words.                            Copyright © Arthur Hall 2016.                                                                                                 Isaura came out of the shadows and placed the food carefully in front of me.  The noon sunlight streamed through the single window, and the faint smell of her cooking had followed her from the kitchen.      'Is all right, Senor?'         I told her she was a wonderful cook, that her paella was the best I'd ever tasted. She gave me a wide white smile and looked embarrassed, as if she wasn't used to compliments.         I thought, not for the first time in the seventeen days since my arrival here, how unusual it was for The Sector to choose a place like this for a safe-house. She was in her late twenties, I'd have guessed, slim and attractive with Spanish swarthiness and long lustrous black hair. But she, like her brother who lived here with her, had an innocence that was distinctly un-typical of the twilight organisation that controlled them and, to a certain degree, controlled me also.           I supposed that they'd been chosen, or more likely coerced, because their demeanour itself acted as a kind of concealment. When you're an opposition cell searching for a place where our agents wait or rest between or during missions, your first expectation wouldn't be a brother and sister who looked too innocent to have had much experience of life outside their village, let alone of this sort of work.  A much-altered attitude from that of the last few decades, yes, but we live in a rapidly changing world. With the advent and introduction of computers, mobile phones and other technology, communications - one of the most vital necessities of a mission - have altered to the point where I'm glad to be near the end of my active service. I'm past the age where unfamiliarity is absorbed easily.   This situation had begun when Ierston had phoned me, while I was on holiday alone in Portugal. He's the right-hand man in The Sector now, whose function is mostly to convey the orders of the unknown Minister who runs it. I managed to control my annoyance at the interruption; it would have been futile to object anyway because there's a clause somewhere in the contract that allows London to call on us at any time if anyone whispers the magic word: 'crisis'. Not that this fitted that description, so far. The orders were to be on the next Lisbon-Madrid flight, then hire a car and make my way to the outskirts of the capital. After that, and a meeting with a local contact, a further half hour brought me to Vista Alegre, a village with, despite its name, no happy view that I could see.      As is usual for him, Ierston had been decidedly uncommunicative. My orders were to establish myself in the safe-house and as a tourist around the village. Not far from the cathedral was the house of Raul Lobato, one of The Sector's people stationed in Madrid who I knew slightly from our training days. If he returned to his home here I was to inform Hickey, my Local Control, at once. From this I concluded
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that Lobato had probably gone missing, but neither Ierston nor Hickey would be drawn on the subject. For seventeen days, I had watched and waited.  I finished my meal and took a long drink of water. I had a standing arrangement with Hickey, to be near the central square every day at 12.25 precisely and he'd turn up if he had anything to tell me. So far we'd met twice, during the period when surveillance of Lobato's house was taken over by local people. Twenty-four hour observation cannot be sustained by one man for an extended period: we all have to sleep.       I said a temporary adios to my hostess and walked unhurriedly through the sunshine. Like the narrow streets, the tall old shuttered buildings gave a lot of shade and I stayed close to each one as I passed. There was very little activity at this time of day - I counted two ancient vehicles and three elderly black-clad women before I reached the square. I took in the scene slowly. On three sides were the blank walls of storage buildings and a couple of small houses, while most of the fourth was taken up by a cantina. Two men sat outside smoking with full glasses in front of them, talking animatedly and well out of earshot. In the centre was a statue of a man in armour - I'd yet to identify him because the inscription on the base was worn - surrounded by a low wall which had once also contained a fountain. On this wall a man in a lurid shirt and shorts sat, eating something out of a packet in the shadow of the statue. I checked all around once more, and went across.           'I hope you're enjoying that, Hickey. It's full of sugar and colouring and has as much beneficial content as a cow-pat, probably less.'     He stood up, looking at his food with distaste. 'Just something to keep me going. You weren't followed here?'        'Don't insult me. I've been in this game a lot longer than you.'   'Sorry,' his eyes swept the square, 'I was forgetting how experienced you are. For the last few months I've been working with new entrants.'    'I know, but this time you can relax. So, tell me what's changed.'   There was a moment's pause while he gathered his thoughts, and I watched him as he struggled with the heat. He was of medium height with a ruddy face, and hair so perfectly in place that I'd decided it must be a toupee. His accent was broad East London with an occasional lilt of Welsh. I'd no idea of his origin or background but I was confident in him because he'd successfully Local Controlled several difficult overseas missions in the last year.       'I've just come out of signals with London,' he said quietly. 'I can tell you now why we're here.'  Communications are different now. The old signals equipment needed an operator in a safe-house and was slower, but since the technological revolution of recent years it's just a matter of access to a tablet or an iPhone, brought in or purchased in whatever country the mission is running. All seasoned Sector agents were suspicious and doubtful at first but, once the secure channels were established and confirmed as 96% minimum effective, the advantages were obvious. Nevertheless, the old rule stood fast: the risk to an agent of being caught with a device connected to London was considered too great. Hence the continued necessity for Local Control, to act as a relay.  'I'm listening.'  'Lobato's been turned.'  I checked the cantina again. 'What a surprise.'
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 'He's made his way back here at last, as we thought he would, eventually. His intention is to give Aguila to the Cali Cartel.'  'I thought that group was finished.'  'They are of course. The Rodriguez Orejuela brothers and their partner Jose Santacruz Londono are no longer in business, but their successors from El Cartel del Norte del Valle, that's the North of the Valley Cartel to you, are still active. These bastards still have considerable markets for their cocaine in Europe. Aguila, as you know, is the Sector's man inside the Cartel. For him to be exposed would be a major setback.'  I nodded. 'So the idea is that I get to Lobato, before the Cartel does?'  'That's right. Contact is expected within the next few hours.'   'Be specific, then. How far am I to take this?'      Hickey's gaze wandered across the dried-up fountain bed without turning his head. Then his eyes locked onto mine. 'Ierston says bring Lobato back if you can. Otherwise, well… it's up to you.'        I hate it when they do this. It's called 'agent's discretion' and you can never tell about the outcome. Some London Controls are reluctant to take responsibility for ordering a termination for fear, in these days of political correctness, of career damage if there's a leak to the press, so it's sometimes convenient to lay the blame on the agent concerned. Others don't give a damn, as long as the job is done. On reflection, I put Ierston down as one of these.      'Is Lobato in the house now?' I asked Hickey.     'No, but he'll be there soon. As I said, our information is that he's meeting someone from the Cartel later today, so you'll have to work fast. It would be better all round, I think, if you could be gone before he arrives.'     'Then call your men off, I'm going in.'             #
 
A short while later I left Hickey. I drank coffee in the cantina, to give him time to tell his local men to abandon their surveillance of the house. Then I drove my hired SEAT across the village, past the single supermarket and the half-finished hotels, and parked down the street in the shade of a drooping palm.    I approached the house cautiously, listening for any sounds as I entered through the small front garden. The place showed neglect, the walls and roof needed attention, and the tendrils of overgrown plants wound across the path like serpents.           At the door I controlled my breathing, keeping very still as I listened.  Silence.          I waited for several minutes, hearing nothing but a passing local bus.  The door opened easily, and I stepped into a darkened room aware that Lobato could be expecting me, or someone like me, in which case I was walking into a trap. This was quite feasible: Lobato had, after all, undergone Sector training. Hickey was experienced at choosing local operatives for surveillance work - I'd read the files on his missions as Local Control in Northern Ireland, Iraq and Afghanistan - but he could have selected badly, for once. If he had, I had no doubt that Lobato would have quickly become aware that he was under observation.  I didn't move at first, as my eyes adjusted to the half-light. Then the heavy blinds that effectively kept out the sun trembled, as I closed the door behind me.
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The room was sparsely furnished, just two armchairs with a table between them, a half-filled bookcase and a large-screen television in a corner. I listened again and heard a door slam. The sound came from the kitchen that adjoined this room. I heard some quick movements, before Lobato came in.  He stopped abruptly, squinting into the poor light when he saw me.   'Lane?' he said. 'My God, I haven't seen you since that bloody training course.'           'It's been a long time. Were you expecting someone else?'    He made an innocent gesture. 'No, of course not. It's just a shock, seeing you after all this time.'               That moment confirmed that he was hiding something. The natural question to ask would have been, 'Why are you here?' or 'How did you find me?' But there was no need for those, because he already knew the answers. He knew The Sector was onto him. I read it in his face.       His years in England had honed his accent, so that his native Spanish hardly showed through. He looked much the same as I remembered, hadn't put much weight on and still moved in quick bursts. The rather sharp features were the same and his hair was still thick, a touch of grey at the temples the only slight difference. 'How are things in Madrid?' I asked him. I meant The Sector's Madrid station, and he would know that.         He shrugged. 'Oh, much the same. We haven't had any trouble with Basque Separatists, for a while. I suppose you have a difficult time with the Syrian problem, in London?'           'They haven't roped me in on that, yet.'      He laughed, rather nervously. 'If I know The Sector they will, before long.' He turned to a decanter, on a side table. 'Care for a glass of local sherry? It's a rather dry Fino, but it's good.'         'Not just now, thanks. I'm here because of something we picked up in London. The Cartel del Norte del Valle are extending their cocaine distribution over here. We wondered if you'd heard anything about that?'      That was as good as telling him that we knew everything because an enquiry like that could have been easily settled over the secure channel in signals. I wouldn't have been sent out on the strength of it. I watched closely, for his reaction.  He removed his hand from the decanter. 'Nothing's come through the grapevine, as far as I know.'  A car backfired loudly in the street outside and I half-turned towards the sound, realising too late that it was the momentary diversion he'd been waiting for. I turned back very fast to face him but he was faster and I moved away instinctively as something burned across my thigh.       He stood in the classical attack stance, and I remembered that he'd achieved the highest score for knife-fighting in the training class. He'd gone for my stomach and would have succeeded if I hadn't moved. His blade was smeared with my blood.  I retreated slowly. 'How could you have been taken in by those bastards? You know their reputation, they're worse than the old KGB. I don't know what they promised you, but what you'll get is a shallow grave out in the woods somewhere.' He made a quick slash that missed my face by inches. 'Not me, I'm too valuable to them.'          'Not any more. You weren't careful enough. The Sector knows all about you.'
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 'The Cartel will protect me. I'll disappear.'       The growing tenseness in his eyes told me that I was seconds away from his next attack.          'Oh, you'll disappear, all right.'         'You're not taking me back!'         'That's right, I'm not.'           The tension had reached the point where he could no longer sustain it, and the quickest way to dissipate it was by its transference into action. This time I was ready, and his altered position told me to expect a straight thrust. I swivelled on my right foot and the blade missed my chest so closely that I felt the air-rush, but he was prepared for evasion and drew his arm back. I managed to get in a short extended-finger jab to his stomach, but I missed the solar plexus and he grunted as he slashed crosswise for my throat. This, too, was as close as it could be without cutting the skin and I knew that his next attempt or the one after would hit something vital.          I turned slightly before he could withdraw, gripping his arm above the wrist and pulling him off balance. He'd dropped the knife already, catching it with his free hand and drawing back for a strike to my kidneys, when I went for his trachea with the stiffened edge of my left hand. The knife fell and his eyes went vacant as I released him. He was dead before he hit the floor.     I stood, breathing hard, for several minutes. I was glad that Hickey had given me the choice, it meant that I was spared a lot of interviews and paperwork when I got back to London. Wrapping a handkerchief over my hand, I went into Lobato's bathroom and found the medicine cabinet. The thigh wound was deeper than I'd expected and bleeding freely. He'd kept his knife very sharp as he'd been taught. I applied some antiseptic and a thick gauze dressing and used a lot of tape to keep it in place until I could get to a doctor. The slash in my slacks I could cover by wearing my jacket, which I'd brought in the car, and I'd just have to hope that the bloodstains wouldn't attract too much attention.  I went back and stood over the body. A quick search revealed a 9mm Glock, which I slid into my pocket after checking that it was fully loaded. All I had to do now was lock all the doors and windows and drive to the airport, phoning Hickey on the way. When Lobato's visitor from the Cartel arrived he'd leave as soon as he saw the situation, but apart from that it could be hours before the alarm was raised. I froze as the kitchen door was slammed back again and someone entered. A boy of about fourteen stood transfixed at the sight of Lobato's corpse. After a shocked few seconds, he turned back and ran out through the kitchen with his loose shirt flapping.          '¡Policia! ¡Policia!'         I looked out of the window. He was out of sight, but I could still hear him.  He couldn't have seen me - the angles from where he'd stood were all wrong for that. I breathed deeply to halt the onset of panic, because he'd bring the local force down on me quickly. They'd take one look at the body and I'd be in handcuffs and on my way to a cell. Hickey might not be able to extricate me, before the Cartel decided to find out who'd disposed of their man, and I'd no desire to take them on without some kind of support.  Similarly, if I left now I was merely postponing the inevitable. At the sight of Lobato the police would launch a local man-hunt, and the first place they'd put under observation would be the airport. If there was no body it would delay the
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proceedings, while it was ascertained if the boy was a reliable witness and while he was questioned.          It took a few minutes to make sure that there was no possible hiding place in the house. The only other option was to remove the body and I couldn't see how to do that unobserved, until I remembered the large travelling trunk with wheels in Lobato's bedroom.  It wasn't easy, fitting him in. I forced his head between his knees and pressed the lid down, feeling relief flood through me as the latch snapped shut. I wheeled the trunk to the front door and looked back. Thank God there was no blood on the floor. On impulse I went back into the bedroom. Lobato had a lot of clothes. I selected some similar to those he'd worn and carefully arranged them in the living room where he'd fallen. It was a long shot, but it might delay things if the police thought the boy had mistaken them for a body. I decided it was worth a try.  Less than ten minutes had passed since the boy had gone - I calculated it would take him that long to reach the only police post in the village - and now I heard the first sounds of a distant police siren. I closed the door quietly and wheeled the trunk along the street, keeping to the shade where I couldn't be seen easily, to the car.          By the time I'd lifted the thing into the SEAT's boot I was sweating freely. The heat and the weight of the trunk had combined to bring on a state of nearexhaustion and I was reminded for the thousandth time, that my youth is now behind me.           I drove away slowly, relieved that there was no sign, as yet, of police vehicles. Then I realised that the Cartel had been waiting for me, as a white Peugeot emerged from behind a parked gravel truck, two hundred yards back at the end of the street. I didn't think they'd followed me here: I would have known. More likely they'd kept the house under surveillance for a while in case Lobato's duplicity was false, and the bait for a trap. They were thorough, these people: if you put one foot wrong, you were dead. It had happened to Olliphant in Cali, and Cartwright, in Bogota. Penetration was particularly hazardous because of their almost paranoiac level of suspicion.          They stayed in the mirror as I turned onto the main road. Two men, darkskinned, their features indistinct in the reflective glare. They were keeping back by about twenty yards, in case I turned off suddenly. I tried brief acceleration and abruptly slowing, and they matched my speed every time. No mistake, it was the Cartel and they were onto me, possibly wondering where I fitted into the equation.  I let my speed drop as we passed through the tiny shopping area. The few tourist shops had drawn customers out into the heat, and there were a lot of water bottles being carried. A woman in a huge brightly-coloured sun hat stepped into the road as I crawled past the rather old-fashioned hairdressing salon and the driver of the Peugeot frightened her with a blast from his horn. They must have had their windows open, because I heard the string of obscenities clearly.  We left the shops behind and I picked up speed again. I knew they'd decided that I was a likely threat to their operation because the Peugeot kept moving into the centre of the road, waiting for the opportunity to overtake. Oncoming traffic was sparse and would soon cease altogether, as we approached an intersection where there was nothing to see but a couple of abandoned cars and some rundown concrete apartments with a washing line strung between them.
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 The Peugeot accelerated rapidly, just as the cathedral came up to the left of us, and I thought that the next few seconds would decide the whole thing because the man in the passenger Seat was holding something that projected out of the window. I caught a glimpse of a light rapid-fire weapon, probably an Uzi machinepistol, and braked the SEAT hard. The brakes needed adjusting because they pulled violently to one side, but they probably contributed to saving me. I forced myself backwards, trying to anticipate his line of fire, as the man in the  Peugeot pressed the trigger and the dashboard exploded. The air was full of the smell of burning rubber and hot metal and the SEAT careered behind the Peugeot and across the carriageway, as I fought to regain control. Flashing sunlight seemed all around me as the car began to spin, and I think they were still firing because a tyre blew. I must have turned a complete circle, since the sandstone wall of the cathedral was now directly ahead, rushing towards me and filling the windshield.   I don't remember the moment of impact. I felt tremendous pressure across my chest from the restraining effect of the safety belt, and the front of the SEAT was buckled against the wall. The door was stuck fast and it took three kicks to free it. I looked back at the road and saw that the Peugeot had burst through the restraining fence and was heading towards me with one wing badly dented. The driver put it into a skid to bring it broadside on and I saw that the man with the Uzi was trying to re-establish his aim. Somewhere a woman screamed, and I realised that a door further along the front of the cathedral had opened, and that several people watched. As the shooting began again they disappeared back inside, and I heard the heavy door slam.  I drew Lobato's Glock. These were among the most callous and ruthless killers in the world, but I had a single advantage: they didn't know that I was armed. The Peugeot's passenger door burst open and I flung myself flat as the windows of the SEAT disintegrated in a spray of bullets. The ricochets still buzzed around as I rolled over to use one of the wheels as cover, lying behind it in a prone position and forcing myself to wait until he came nearer. His feet appeared, running towards me and still firing rapidly until I shot both his ankles. He screamed and I heard him fall, I knew I had to move fast before the Peugeot's driver could leave the car: if he was armed similarly he could launch a fusillade without coming nearer, ripping the SEAT apart.  I stood up and risked showing myself. He was already aiming a weapon that looked a lot bigger than the Uzi, and was probably a lot more powerful. A single loud burst rocked the Seat on its springs. I had dropped to a crouch and was now in a position to peer around the end of the car cautiously. I knew I had seconds to live unless I acted fast, and there was only one way I could win against such superior fire-power. I emptied the Glock into the Peugeot, not aiming properly but estimating where the petrol tank should be. It exploded in a ball of flame and I threw myself to the ground again, shutting my ears against the cries. A wave of intense heat passed over me, and the roar of the fire blotted out everything. The smell of burnt fuel, metal and flesh was sickening but I'd no time to think about it: by now some of those in the cathedral would have used their mobiles to contact the policia, and they would be on their way.   I left the shelter of the SEAT. The man whose ankles I'd shot crawled towards me, his flesh blackened and his eyes wild. Somehow he'd survived sufficiently to retrieve the Uzi, and was intent on finishing what they'd begun. He fired two single shots and I heard glass smash somewhere. I wasn't sure if he'd hit the SEAT or the
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cathedral's stained windows, but I moved fast because he would have little difficulty, from that position, of altering his aim. I used a savate killer blow, where the kick forces the head back to an impossible angle. I heard something snap, and he lay still. I kicked his gun away from him, because we're trained to take every precaution when we can. Our survival sometimes depends on being absolutely sure. I had to get out of here quickly now, I didn't want to be seen as part of this or to be found with a body in my possession.       Delayed shock was catching up with me. As I hauled the trunk out of the SEAT's boot I began to shake. We're taught things that off-set this condition, because even our Controllers appreciate that we're as human as anyone else and would find it difficult to continue without some sort of assistance.    It isn't often that we get any kind of lucky break, in this profession, but I thought I had one now. When I first arrived in Vista Alegre I did a thorough reconnaissance, including this area. At the side of the cathedral was a labyrinth of narrow alleys, the buildings so close together in places that two people could barely pass. I remembered particularly the smell and the darkness, the rubbishstrewn passages where day was little different from night.    I looked all around me. The fire still blazed, beneath a cloud of dense smoke. There was no sign of life from the cathedral. The late afternoon sun beat down on a lonely scene of death. Pulling the trunk, I walked unhurriedly to the steps that led to the network of passages. I ignored the protests from my bruised body because there was now, after all, a chance. If I could leave the trunk in some dark and hidden corner, it would buy me time to get to the airport.  I dragged the trunk to the top of the steps. As I paused, gripping the centre rail, I heard sirens approaching the cathedral. I looked back but it was out of sight now, and the sirens stopped suddenly. Several narrow passages yawned in front of me. I might have imagined it, but I could have sworn there was organ music from the cathedral. It occurred to me that the congregation might be offering thanks for their preservation from the violence outside.  I quickened my pace, the trunk feeling heavier. At the next intersection I had a choice of paths to follow, and I decided on the one leading at a sharp angle away from the cathedral. This was a street with doors on both sides, narrow enough for a man on horseback to pass but little else. At first there was absolute silence, but after a short while I could hear a girl singing off-key. It was a mournful wail, like someone lamenting the passing of a loved one, and I wondered if she sang because of her incarceration in this dreadful place.       The smell of rotten fruit and urine was overwhelming. I needed a place where the trunk would be concealed for long enough to allow me to get to the airport, but I hadn't seen a possibility yet. These alleys were made up of the flat-walled frontages of dilapidated dwellings. They were deserted now, but I knew they'd come alive at night like similar places I'd seen: Mexico City, Haiti and Tunisia.  A wider exit, like a small cavern, opened up ahead. Every movement echoed as I approached, and too late I realised that I was no longer alone.  Six or seven men stood in my path, all shabbily dressed, silent and threatening. Not one of them could have been more than twenty-five, and I remembered that Isaura had mentioned that gangs of young men sometimes roamed the streets looking for tourists to rob. She had called them Los Lobos. They weren't professionals, just unemployed youths seeking an easier way to make money for their cigarettes and evenings in the tavernas.  
9
 
 The worrying thing was the pistol aimed at my face. It looked like a weapon that had seen action in World War Two, but I wouldn't have gambled on its lack of efficiency because it looked well-oiled and cared for.    'What does the box contain, senor?' he held the gun steady. The others crowded around him and leaned forward to inspect the trunk.     He gestured to one of the others, who took two quick steps towards me and snatched the handle.         'Computer hardware.' I lied.        The one who'd taken the trunk picked it up and nodded vigorously, laughing. 'It is very heavy, Juan.'         'And what is it that brings you here, where there are no computers, or shops?' Juan asked suspiciously.         I looked down at the litter-strewn floor, as if ashamed. 'I stole it. La policia are close behind me.'              'We must go,' said one of the others.  Juan looked uncertain for a moment, then the one who had the trunk laughed again. He whispered, 'We can sell this. I know where we can get a good price, in Madrid.'  'Quickly, then.' Juan kept the pistol aimed at my stomach as the trunk was hurriedly wheeled away and the others fled into the shadows. Finally there was only him.           'You would be very foolish to follow us, senor. If you do, you will wish the policia had caught you.'         He backed away until the darkness hid him, and then ran. I waited until the last of his footfalls died away before turning and retracing my steps.   Soon I was back in the square, where the attention of the policia and everyone else in the crowd was centred on the dead men and the smouldering car. I walked around the cathedral to the far side, where I used my mobile to summon a taxi for the airport.   As I saw it approaching I reflected again how rare it is to get a lucky break in this line of work. And then again, to get two lucky breaks is even more so. ...

(c) 2016 Jnaha

“Darkeesha, Darkeesha, you so ugly the boogeyman is scared of you!”

“Dark and Ugly, bring your butt over here.”

“Yo Darkie, pass me the ball.”

These were some of the kinder comments that Lovely was forced to hear at home, at school and at church. She couldn’t escape the enemies of her skin tone. Her siblings were always the meanest and cruelest with their rude remarks.

She couldn’t help it that she was so black. She couldn’t stand the fact that her 3 sisters and 2 brothers were at least five shades lighter than her. Her mama was fair skinned and her daddy, the color of blackened coffee. That’s who Lovely got her complexion from.

She loved her skin tone, though she wished those around her wouldn’t give her such a hard time about it. She had been picked on for as long as she could remember, and has grown skin as thick as steel, for the barrage of insults she faced daily. Her coping mechanism was silence. She said nothing to her attackers, not even in her own defense. She’d go quiet though her eyes couldn’t hold water. She hated them all. Wished them all a lifetime full of the same cruelty that they’d dished her.

“How come you never say nothing back to them Love.” Sister Bell was the nicest of the siblings. Only two years younger than Lovely, she saw how bad those mean words affected Lovely. But her being only 10 years of age, there was little she could do to help her big sister. She didn’t know any better, so she joined her siblings when they teased Lovely, until Bell noticed Lovely leave the room, or bow her head.

“Why YOU never say nothing?” Lovely fired back at Bell.

“Because I am just a kid. What am I supposed to say? Besides, they’re teasing you, not me.”

“Don’t make it right. You know they’re just going to keep at it if I even try to speak up against one of them. But that’s alright. I will get them all back.”

Lovely held true to that promise. When she was old enough, she moved out of her mama’s house. She was 17 ½ when she emancipated herself, moving in with her Italian boyfriend. She never introduced him to her family, and she had only met one of Tyler’s three brothers.

Two weeks into moving in with Tyler, Lovely began plotting her revenge, starting with her family.  She befriended her oldest sister’s boyfriend, TyQuan. He was the neighborhood weed man, which is how she was able to get close to him. Layelle gave her sister TyQuan’s phone number. Lovely slept with TyQuan a month later, then she sent Layelle a long and detailed letter, explaining why she did what she did. She made sure to remind Layelle of the hateful “darkie” days and the childhood bullying. She was also sure to emphasize her deep hatred and dislike for her sister.

On her other sister Lakeisha, Lovely played the darkest trick of all. When Lakeisha’s boyfriend went MIA for two days straight, she started calling around, looking for him. When she called Lovely, she was told, maybe JT had left her for the dark-skinned neighbor who she saw JT with last week. Lovely hadn’t really seen JT with the neighbor, she just wanted to play with Lakeisha’s head.

“What are you going to do about that Sis? I know you are not going to let him play you for a darkie?” Lovely instigated.

“Oh, if he wants that burnt skillet, he can have her. I bet you he won’t get no more of this!” She slammed the phone down, leaving Lovely with the dial tone.

Lakeisha left JT the second he wandered back home. She didn’t even allow him the opportunity to explain to her, how he got pulled over a few days ago, was arrested for violation of a stay away, and couldn’t get through when he tried calling her. Lovely never told Lakeisha the truth, and Lakeisha never took JT back. He eventually moved on with his life, and is now married with kids.

Lovely sabotaged both of her brothers’ relationships, with each of their girlfriends, by lying to both women, that Tay and Jay were cheating on them with the same woman. She even went so far as to secretly hook one brother up with her most sexual friend, who then slept with her other brother by a twist of uninitiated fate. To this day, her brothers have no clue that she masterminded the destruction of their partnerships/relationships.

It would be another five years, before Lovely would avenge her childhood against her high school classmates. The meanest ones still living and reachable, Lovely concocted a plot to gather them all together for a 10-year high school reunion rehearsal. When all 10 of her nemesis showed up, she locked everyone in a large room with a movie projector, playing for each of them, the evolution of their lives. Lovely was very clever in her research of finding out as many detrimental secrets as she could about each and every one of them, creating the mass video that they were forced to see.

One of the football jocks secretly cross dressed, while the librarian of the crew was secretly a very high paid escort. One classmate was a woman beater, while another was a heavy drug abuser who also happened to be the local church treasurer.

When the embarrassing video was over, Lovely unlocked the conference room, before safely escaping to her car and peeling off. All 10 of her ex classmates blew her cellphone up with hateful text messages and voicemail messages.

They’d hate her even more when they learned that she had also live streamed the entire scene, to social media. Oh, well, she’d be long gone by then. Off to the next state, to flee the wrath of her enemies.

She had yet to hear what the church had to say about the newspaper article that came out about them, siting the pastors abuse of power, as well as the written tithe requirement which had been forced upon the congregation.  There was a detailed account of the treasurers’ theft of church funds, along with pictures and text messages revealing the pastor’s affair with the deacon.

Lovely was racking up enemies like a morgue racked up dead bodies. She didn’t care though. They didn’t care that they had long ago created an enemy in Lovely, by their lack of tact and respect for her dark-skinned tone.

The wrath of a woman scorn, was the ultimate fate for Lovely’s closeted racist boyfriend Tyler. You see, Tyler only wanted to be with Lovely to fulfill his own sick and sinister fetish, of screwing a “N*gger b*tch.” Every chance he got, he’d call her the disgusting epithet, regardless of the consequences. This began about one year into their 10-year relationship. She’d broken up with him so many times, to the point that now she has her own apartment.

The last straw was a telephone conversation she’d overheard Tyler having with his father, last week. He wasn’t aware that she’d walked in.

“But Dad, that’s my “N*gger b*tch”. I know y’all hate her and that mom would love nothing more than to see her lynched from the closest tree, but she cleans well, and she’s a decent cook. She doesn’t do a bunch of talking, and laughs at all of my subliminal jokes.”

She couldn’t hear Tyler’s father’s reply, only Tyler’s response to it. “Ok. Ok. Give me two weeks and I’ll get rid of her,” shouted Tyler.

Lovely eased out of the kitchen before he could notice her. She didn’t cry, nor was she mad. By the time she arrived at her home office on the 2nd floor, she was laughing hysterically. She laughed for a good five minutes straight before she began plotting the plan.

“That Cracka will live to regret the day he chose me.”

Part ll.

“Lovely baby. You home?” Tyler hadn’t seen or spoken to his wife in seven whole days. She wasn’t responding to the many text messages he sent, and her calls were going straight to voicemail. He decided to drive over to her place to check on her, using the spare key that he knew she had hidden under the flower pot outside the back door.

Not that Tyler missed Lovely, he just needed to account for her, since her job, her coworkers, and her friends, had been calling him to learn of her whereabouts. Apparently, Lovely stopped showing up for work and stopped making contact with her friends, for about as long as she’d been MIA from him. He promised everyone that he’d look around for her, keeping them posted on any updates.

“Lovely are you here babe?” Tyler was standing in the living/dining room of Lovely’s eccentrically furnished, two-bedroom apartment home. He walked through to the kitchen, which was spotless; no dirty dishes, no food or beverages out. She was known for being tidy but she also always kept fresh fruit out on the kitchen counter top, green apples being her favorite. There were none. “Odd,” thought Tyler.

Continuing through the house to the hallway, he past the first full sized bathroom. A quick glance in, revealed nothing out of the ordinary. Landing on the 2nd floor, he noticed her office door was locked, and since he didn’t have a key to it, he moved on to her bedroom.

“Lovely. Where are you?” Tyler was starting to grow annoyed at the charade of it all. He remembered the last time he was here, and the conversation he’d had over the phone, with his father. He doubted that Lovely had overheard his conversation because when he got off the phone, he found her upstairs in her office engrossed in something. He has yet to fulfill his promise to his father, because he hadn’t heard or seen Lovely since that day. She appeared her normal self, laughing when expected, she even gave him a passionate kiss before he left her home that day. Everything was fine. Or so he thought…

Lovely was cuddled comfortably under her longtime boyfriend Andre. She’d been seeing him for the past nine years. In fact, she met Andre the very first night that her husband Tyler called her his “N*gger b*tch” to her face. That day, she swallowed her anger, and held her quick tongue. She simply remained quiet; still as a corpse when he made love to her that night; though she will always call it “making hate”, instead of love.

The moment their “hate sex” was over, she crawled out from beneath him, practically running to the shower. He noticed it, but said nothing. He knew her all too well by now. Leave her be, or be stung by the “B”. “Queen B”, she’d snap, in a quick hot second.

Lovely went to the bar that night, met Andre and began conversing. They consummated the relationships two days later, when she lied to Tyler that she had to house sit for a friend. She went to Andre’s house and screwed him for 3 hours straight. She was no “N*gger b*tch” to Andre. She was his queen, and he made sure to treat her as such, which is why she kept him around. He knew all about Tyler, but still he wanted her, and she wanted him. He’d been widowed for two years and single for the entire time, until he met Queen Lovely. She became his girlfriend, viewing Tyler only as a husband on paper. Andre knew that Lovely’s heart belonged to him. So, did her pearl.

Lovely and Tyler had stopped having intercourse almost immediately after that “N*gger b*tch” thing. He’d been practically begging her for it, ever since. Somehow, Lovely doubted that Tyler’s bigoted parents, were aware of that.

When she overheard his conversation last week, she decided enough was enough. She faked the funk, smiling like all was good to Tyler. She even gave him a little tongue kiss before he left. She knew it would be their last kiss, and his last time ever seeing her. She took one for her team.

The moment Tyler left her house though, she began packing her things. She boxed up everything she felt she couldn’t live without or leave behind. She locked up her office just in case Tyler decided to stop by to check up on her.

She left with only the clothes on her back. Over the course of her relationship with Andre, Lovely had accumulated an entire wardrobe at his house; their house actually. Her name was on the deed of the house they’d bought together, almost 5 years ago.

Lovely never needed Tyler financially, she was a natural born hustler. She always found a way to make ends meet. She did however, accept the $2,000.00 “monthly allowance” that he’d been sending her faithfully, for the past 8 years. That’s how long she’d been living apart from him, in her own apartment. He only sent the money out of guilt for the time he let the words “house N*gger” slip out of his mouth while they were hosting a group of his friends over their house for some bullshit meeting about politics. She had just walked into the living room with a pitcher of iced tea along with a tray of sandwiches, when she heard, “here’s my little house N*gger now… I mean my baby.”

He had tried to clean it up, but it was too late. Lovely heard it, his friends had heard it, and now she felt embarrassed and 100% disrespected. She dropped the pitcher of iced tea, right where she stood – tossing the sandwich tray, before sashaying her black ass out of the room. ‘House N*gger THAT’, she thought. She will always remember the look of astonishment sitting upon the faces of Tyler’s guests that day, especially when she went flying out of the house with the biggest suitcase she could find. She stuffed as many of her valuables as she could into that suitcase. Tyler couldn’t do or say a thing.

“Baby are you still asleep?” Andre wrapped his long arms around his lovely. They’d been inseparable for the past seven days, just the way he liked it.

“No babe. What’s up?”

“You.”

She knew what that meant. Without further instruction, she tugged at her undies until they were off, tooting her bottom up, simultaneously. They made love and enjoyed a lazy day of movies, drinks and food.

She and Andre spent time only at the home they shared together, never at Lovely’s apartment, which was an entire state and two cities, apart from each other. Tyler suspected nothing. Soon though, if not already, Tyler was going to realize that Lovely had left him. She never spent the $2k that he sent her monthly for the past 9 years, not $1 dollar. She didn’t need any alimony, no spousal support, and being that they never had children, there would be no need for child support. All Lovely wanted was a divorce.

She wrote a long and detailed letter to her husband, breaking down her reasons for wanting out. She made sure to write all about how she felt, the first time he called her ‘N*gger b*tch”, and ‘house N*gger’. She wrote him of the fact that she’d overheard the phone conversation with his dad, saying that he’d be rid of her in two weeks. She wrote that she was making it easier for him, attaching divorce papers with her signature already filled in. All she asked was that he mail the papers off, the second he signed them.

Lovely did not however, write to Tyler that she’d sent multiple copies of this letter and signed divorce papers to multiple people and businesses, many whom had known Tyler his entire life. Some black businesses he’d worked with for decades. Should Tyler ever plot to bring harm Lovely’s way, then she’d have witnesses to his motive. By now he should’ve gotten the letter. She mailed it 3 days after she left for good.

For kicks and giggles, she nearly wiped out the one joint bank account they shared, though Tyler had several sole accounts, as did she. She left $51.50 in the account.

Her and Andre packed all of their belongings and shipped them to their 2nd home via a moving company that they both knew and trusted. Lovely had no intention of going back home, to hateville and the city of the loveless. Lovely was done with her past completely.

~THE END~

(jnahaspoetry@gmail.com)

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